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Horrorscapes are for entertainment purposes only. Seriously. I mean it. What, you think this stuff is actually gonna happen? If you do, please remain calm and do what the nice men in the white coats tell you.
Horrorscapes is brought to you by the following:
AIRES / HAWK:
For the moment, nobody believes you when you tell them that you were abducted by sentient chocolate bars from planet nougat, but if you yell your story really loud, maybe the nuthouse attendants will believe you.
TAURUS / BEAVER:
You are very disappointed to find that your son is a pickled gurkin, but he never had the heart to tell you. Breakfast sausage would only complicate matters at this point.
GEMINI / DEER:
A severe case of hiccups causes you to BOO! Sorry for scaring you, but now you won't get the hiccups. You can thank me when you don't get them.
CANCER / FLICKER:
The good news is you're adopted. The bad news is you're actually the family pet. Or is that the other way around?
LEO / STURGEON:
The voices in your head have been telling you that all your friends need to be punished, but the voices in your left foot are the ones that you should be listening to. A job as the grim reaper is not in your future, even if your name does happen to be McThanos.
VIRGO / BEAR:
Watch out for your Leo friend. He's planning to do you in with a rubber hose, a stack of pancakes and a 3/4 inch pinckney flange. The alignment of Coruscant with Q'onos causes all of the nutrinos in your house to spin backwards. This has absolutely no effect on anything.
LIBRA / RAVEN:
Have a hardware encyclopedia handy, because your virgo friend is going to ask you to look up "3/4 inch pinckney flange". Baloney and peanut butter sandwiches will not impress your potential employer. No, the stars didn't tell me that, it's just common sense.
SCORPIO / SNAKE:
Because of what you're about to do, impersonating a muppet will become illegal in twelve states, decorative soap will become illegal in nine states and whaling will be permanently banned in Nebraska. Tonight: Bake all of your money into a pie and leave it on the windowsill.
SAGITARIUS / ELK:
Confusion over whether you're a sagitarius or an elk leads you to adopt a new zodiac. Becoming a slime monster(Pentober 41- Aviary 32.5) means that this horroscope will be rendered ineffective and fail to come to pass. Figure that one out if you can.
CAPRICORN / GOOSE:
Every rose has its thorn, just like every day has its dawn, just like every cowboy sings a sad, sad song. Yeah, I know, those are song lyrics. I can't read your horroscope because someone parked a spacecraft right where I need to read.
AQUARIUS / OTTER:
You career as a wizard seems to come to an abrupt end when you undertake an expedition to a magical world and are turned into stone. Fortunately, you are turned back four thousand years later. Tonight: flee from the robotic asassin.
PISCES / COUGAR:
Two words: exploding sheep.