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Horrorscapes are for entertainment purposes only. Seriously. I mean it. What, you think this stuff is actually gonna happen? If you do, please remain calm and do what the nice men in the white coats tell you.
Horrorscapes is brought to you by the following:
AIRES / HAWK:
An epic quest to a parallel dimension turns pear-shaped when your companion ends up covered in bread mold. Limit interaction with Tauruses if you want to avoid creating a supervillain who will spell doom for the entire multiverse.
TAURUS / BEAVER:
You find yourself in the middle of a war between two savage aboriginal tribes living in your landlord's basement. Remember that Shampoo could come in really handy. Nudity is not a good idea at this time of month.
GEMINI / DEER:
A misunderstanding has you footing the bill for dinner. Bear in mind that with Uranus in retrograde, now is not a good time to revert to canibalism. Avoid bubble-goths and people who have an unhealthy obsession with sausage.
CANCER / FLICKER:
The evolution of your best friend into a more advanced life form leaves you feeling a little insecure. A traveling companion disappears into an alternate reality, leaving you alone with a beautiful woman who displays an unsettling desire to kick you into next Tuesday. Fortunately, next Tuesday's horroscope is better.
LEO / STURGEON:
Everyone discovers the secret behind your supposedly low-fat brownies. Try to make your dead brother feel at ease when he comes to visit. Now is a good time to stuff a ball of rubber bands into your right nostril.
VIRGO / BEAR:
This month is an excellent time to chase flying chinchillas. Zombies once again prove to be a major nuisance. Oh... and your mother called. Said something about dinner Saturday.
LIBRA / RAVEN:
Trading your head for a hairbrush is an incredibly romantic gesture, but ultimately proves useless. You find yourself ranked fifth on a list of most tallented tongues. Tonight: Turn that poor elephant back into a sparrow.
SCORPIO / SNAKE:
Remember that a horrifically cursed horcrux does not constitute legal tender. Magic may, however, be an acceptable solution to that embarassing plague spread by plastic animals. Tonight: Avoid owl meat.
SAGITARIUS / ELK:
Those fuzzy Japanese fairies you've been playing poker with are cheating. It is okay to drink coffee as an acceptable substitute for booze. Just not from the minister's cup. Your best friend's newest companion isn't out to drink your blood. However, it may be a good idea to lock up your vegetables.
CAPRICORN / GOOSE:
Quit poking your sister in the tail or I'm turning this car around right now. I mean it!
AQUARIUS / OTTER:
A long journey lies ahead of you. Take a jar of dirt with you when you go to lunch. Conversations with rocks and trees prove very enlightneing. You will be surprised to discover that you are queen of the stuffed animals.
PISCES / COUGAR:
Recent exposure to bizarre forms of radiation proves helpful in winning a dream vacation to a distant planet nobody's ever heard of. Puberty has some interesting surprises for you, what with your mutant genes. Sorry, but this isn't your month for acquiring those superpowers you've been wanting.